Garden of Daisies

Moved

2005-10-30T23:39:00.000-05:00

Canada

2005-10-30T16:48:00.000-05:00

Riding the bus into town, I was reading about Marxism, and Marxist Communism as it has been realized, when I looked up and saw our flag flying. For some reason, right then, I got an overwhelming sense of how lucky I am to be Canadian.

Ironically I was on Bay Street, and the flag was flying on a financial building, which actually encapsulates the thought process I had: I am grateful for the amount of freedom this country has given me, even if the more I learn the more I disagree with what keeps the country running.

...freedom doesn't have to mean democracy and captalism as we have them now, and communism doesn't have to mean oppression as it has meant in the past. May those of us who have been blessed to live in countries where we have had the freedom to learn, and to express our ideas, band together and become active forces of change.

Smalltown Ontario

2005-10-30T08:33:00.000-05:00

The night before last I came home to Puslinch (yes...I'll admit it, I don't even really live in Guelph or Cambridge, I live in the large undefinable region, with run-away cows, and rural routes instead of street numbers, that is Puslinch)

My parents weren't going to be home, my brother was out late, and it was very cold, so I decided that rather than making up the bed in the guest room that used to be mine, I would crawl into my parents deliciously warm waterbed for the night. My parents' bedroom is the only room on the second floor of our house and it has cieling-to-floor windows facing east out over the lake we live on. I woke up yesterday morning to the sun rising up over the water and pouring into the room. I love Toronto, but it can't compete with something like that.

Yesterday I slipped even further away from urban life, 2 hours north, to a town called Ripley. Ever heard of Ripley? ...that's OK, don't worry about it. You know that expression 'one-stoplight-town' that immediately gives you the visual of this tiny little pocket of civilization that centres on a single intersection? Ripley doesn't even have one stoplight. It's painful really.

It was my grandmother's 80th birthday party, and we'd rented out the Ripley legion to gather all her friends, and all our family to celebrate. All my complaints about smalltowns aside, it was a fabulous night. We must have had nearly every little white haired old lady and man within a 100km radius present at the party, and my grandma was more delighted than I've seen her in a long time.

On the way up to that region of the world, you pass through mennonite country. You see children, in homemade clothing, with black jackets, walking gingerly down the side of major highways, and me, I think: 'I wonder what they think of us speeding by in our gas-guzzling vehicles?' and 'where is it that we really need to get in such a rush?'. 'I wonder if they know all about how our society works, and actively choose not to be in it; or if their church leaders just convince them that living like us is evil, and they know nothing but what they see in our cars speeding by?'...

Anyway, it's about time for me to get back on the bus and head back into the city. Home-sweet-sunriseless home.

p.s. I dreamt about Japan last night. It's getting to be time to go back.
p.p.s. My mom just said "mp3 players are outdated now and I never even figured out what they were". ...cute on so many levels (not least of which is the fact that they aren't out of date...).

Aidin's 2 cents

2005-10-25T20:12:00.000-04:00

I feel a need to share that today I was hit with the most spectacular comeback I think I've ever received.

After a series of my usual sarcastic/snide sidebars during a study session Aidin looked up from his computer and said quite thoughtfully:
"How do you pick a swearword for someone like you? ...It's like..."
(And at this point, I am thinking his predicament is that I'm just too sweet a person to really swear at, but he continued:)
"...I mean, I could say 'Fuck off'... but that's just not intense enough."

Really haven't laughed that hard in a while. Thanks sir.

I'm confused...I thought we were going forward...

2005-10-22T22:29:00.000-04:00

I stumbled across this blog this morning. First actually, I stumbled across this one, and thought his bit about Swearing like an Englishman was brilliant. So, intrigued, I checked out his profile, finding myself at the aforementioned Kosher Salmon.

This second blog also started out by interesting me. "People like to understand things", he begins, and then proceeds to talk about how we are all so quick to ask what people do, so that we can categorize them in our heads and make it easier for us to understand them. He then moved on into a bit about how, for kids, we even were silly enough to ask "what do you want to be when you grow up?", as if they didn't have better things to think about. All in all I thought it was a relevant train of thought. Why is it that we are so eager to categorize people? Couldn't there be a better way of dealing with those around us?

...but the way the train of thought went. ...I dunno...I was very abrubtly left behind (perhaps on purpose?--my Irish blood wasn't meant to understand?).

He went into a bit about love, as the reason we get up in the morning. ...which I had to agree with. Then (here's where it took a turn for the 'padg is lost'), he talked about love meaning preferance. About how love was about choosing something and holding it up above something else.

?...My concept of love is so differant from that. My concept of love is as a force of energy that flows through all of us inspiring us to live. It seems to me that it's only when we haven't learned to let love out in its unbridled form that we find ourselves dividing and handing it out selectively. The most virtuous goal, seems to me, to be that of learning to love every grain of the world, and the people in it, with an equally strong passion.

?...but he said that "those who want everyone to love everyone and everything the same wish nothing more that the removal of all love from this world", and that confused me. I put alot of thought into it, and I still came out pretty sure that I did not wish the removal of all love from this world.

Then he said "if you’re willing to die for Israel as much as you are for Kamchatka, then you’re not willing to die for anything of value, you’re just willing to die", and I thought: 'wait? die for Isreal? Die for a country?....that's love? k...see now I'm really lost'.

...anyway, I guess, at this point, you've either read the Kosher Salmon blog, or put together his point. To summarize, the main idea was that being Jewish means you are part of a religion "equal to or greater than any other", and that that made you special...and that you should celebrate that by being actively Jewish. You should be proud, you should do the whole birthright thing. ...etc. etc.

The levels at which I've been confused at this point are staggering.

First of all, we are definately labelling and categorizing people again (which I thought was what we were trying to get away from). That is definately my smallest complaint, so I'll leave it at that for now.

Secondly, dying for Isreal? Can we talk for a moment about nationalism? Can we talk about the atrociousness of the World Wars?

When I met exchange students from Europe when I was abroad in Japan, we often talked about flags. In Japan, you do not often see flags flying. For those North Americans among us, this was a little surprising, but the Europeans quickly brought us up to speed on the fact that for countries actively involved in WWII flags had become a little bit of a 'taboo'. Nationalism had become a bit of a 'no-no'. ...and rightly so wouldn't you agree? I mean that was allllllot of blood spilt over the concept of being Aryan, or Japanese, as the case may have been. And forgive me if it's politically incorrect of me to say so, but shouldn't Jewish people know this better than anyone else?

Thirdly, love being expressed through death? This is completely foriegn to me. I understand that there are situations in which you must fight for what you believe, and that such fights could lead to your death...but surely that is differant from love? In what circumstance could love and death really be equated? I mean there are those among us who believe that Jesus' death was the ultimate expression of God's love for us....but even in that (very extreme) example, I would have to argue that Jesus' death was much less about love, and much more about a bunch of angry and confused Romans and Jews.

...and actually, now that Jesus is on the table, I'd like to use him for another point. Jesus was Jewish. 2000 years ago, he grew up learning all the things that you learned back in the day in Jewish culture, and he mulled it over and went: "Hey guys! I have a thought. We're all God's children. Let's love everyone as children of God". Two millenia ago it occured to him that maybe it wasn't the greatest idea in the world to be dividing people into sections and labelling them. ....and yet, 2 millenia later what are we doing? Dividing people, and labelling them. Infact he even gets a bunch of labels of his own (I'm sure he'd be realllly impressed by that too).

Guys. It's the year 2005. Globalization is making the world smaller than it has ever been. Whether we like it or not, we (all of us) are going to have to start to learn to work together. The population is still growing dramatically, the environment is suffering from the unreasonable pressure the mal-developed nations puts on it, people are starving and dying. ...we have alot of important things to deal with...and we have to do it together.

The fact of the matter is: the future is scary. And God knows if we're going to get it right (all the puns you can make with that sentance are valid). All that is clear is that there's no where to go but forwards. Now that a place like North America exists, where languages, and cultures blend together, now that you can fly around the world in less than a day...now that it's easier for me to get a hold of family in Ireland, than my brother 45 minutes out of town...we just can't pretend to be segregated into little groups anymore. There is alot to be learned from history, and we certainly shouldn't be turning our backs on our cultures and ignoring them--but we can't go back. It just isn't one of the options on the table.

"Be proud that you’re not the same as everyone else, because if everyone was the same there could be no selection, no love," the guy said to Jews reading his blog. And I'm thinking, 'I'm all for embracing your background, and being aware of your culture...but the time has come to acknowledge what we all have in common...what it is to be human, and to learn to love everyone for that'.

I believe in a really powerful love, through which people's eyes could be opened to understanding one another. I believe that if we work together we could discover that starvation and hunger are unnecessary and that every human being, of every colour, in every culture, and of every religious tradition is equally deserving of a happy and comfortable life, through which they can explore their own potential.

Most importantly I believe that we are all God's children, all "chosen people", all worthy of enlightenment....that every one of us has the unquenchable energy of life and love flowing through our veins, and that no matter how much we choose to divide ourselves, and no matter how many times we die trying to prove otherwise, that that truth will ring clear over and over again.

...if you're with me on any of those points...let's move forward together eh?

More trails and errors of sleeping in the life of podj

2005-10-18T22:25:00.000-04:00

Sunday night I was up past 2, and up again before 6 (count: 4 hours). Last night I was up until 1, and in bed until 9 (count: 8 hours). ....that's a cumulative 12 hours over 2 days.

Yesterday evening (day 1), I was not a very nice person (see yesterday's entry for a quick referance). This morning (day 2) I was a certified bitch. I was sitting in class, glowering at the proffessor, icily demanding clarification on concepts from the unfortunates surrounding me...and just generally. ...ya. *chuckles* Fortunately Aidin was sitting beside me and had the goodsense to say condescendingly, "don't be so melodramatic podj", and "you're life's not that.."(he trailed off, but whatever he said was probably valid).

He was right, I was being ridiculous. But really, my head hurt, my joints hurt, I couldn't concentrate...it really felt like the entire world was pressing in on top of me.

I went on to my next class, where I struggled to stay awake during the first hour, before giving up and going home. I slept this afternoon from 2 until 6, and I feel like me again.

...this is really beginning to amaze me.

I believe today is going to be a day for venting...

2005-10-17T21:01:00.000-04:00

...about a couple of things that have been bothering me.

1. I'm tired. Really, thoroughly, exhausted. For the better part of a number of years I've been trying to respect the amount of sleep and downtime that my body needs, but over the last month or so I have reverted back to my early highschool 'who-needs-a-break?' attitude, and I think it might kill me. I know, if I wanted to, I could change gears internally, and handle the stress I am under gracefully. What concerns me about this, however, is that I'm beginning to learn (through dabbles in Eastern medicine and through my job) just how detrimental stress is to the body, and so piling ridiculous amounts of things into my schedule, and then internalizing the stress to come out smiling is not what I would rationally consider to be the best plan. That being said, I'm not sure I know how else to take my goals and turn them into a reality for myself. Everything I'm up to seems so crucially intregal to where I want to go...

2. Some people are impossible to work with, and should be banned from all workplaces.
2.5 Punctuality is not really that much to ask
2.75 Nothing is more frustrating than someone who knows nothing about what you need to get done, telling you how and when to do it.

3. Boys suck. Nah...that's not fair. I think my beef is really with the idea of a relationship that is projected on us by society. .....or maybe the lack of one. Between a mom who's on her fourth marraige, a brother who's 3 years younger and already in a relationship more healthy than any I've come close to, an ex-boyfriend who's more present now that I've said we're done, than he's been in years, and my own inability to know what I want...I mean damn... I haven't got a bloody clue what's a good idea these days.
I've been trying to ignore any thoughts about a relationship right now and focus on all the things causing me stress in #1, and yet despite my most earnest efforts I spend a preposterous amount of time rolling the idea of three differant boys around in my head, each of whom would be terrible for me in their own right (*sigh* emotional masochism, how I love you).

4. I hate driving in downtown Toronto.

5. ...Half of me wants to be exactly where I am, doing all the things I'm doing with all the implied commitments that come with it. Half of me wants to run off to some a foriegn country I've never been to and put up a lemonade stand.

mmm...lemonade...

6. Me: "I don't drink"
Other person: "Like, as a rule, ever?... Why?". *looks at me like I'm either really naive, or just plain odd*

Me: "I don't really eat meat"
Other person: "Are you vegetarian?"*cringes/otherwise gets defensive*

...I don't drink because I generally don't want to. I enjoy it alot. The minute I have a sip (of anything) I crave alot of something harder--and that scares me. I like remembering what I've done.

That being said, I do not like feeling restricted (even by my own rules), and every once in a while I'll have a drink. It's not a big deal. Relax. Don't push me.

...I'm not a vegetarian. I've just never really liked meat. The chemicals they feed animals scare me, and I don't want them in my body. Sometimes I will eat organic meat, but I think red meat is hard on the digestive system, and I don't really enjoy it. I will not get in an argument with you about animal rights, because I don't really care. If you want to talk to me about our right to take the lives of other creatures for food, I'll probably point out that considering creatures like sponges, it's pretty damn hard to draw the line between plants and animals anyway, and we bloody well have to eat something. Like anything else I think it's about moderation and respect. I think the amount of grain that goes to feeding cattle for North Americans to get fat on while Africans starve is disgusting...but maybe that's just me.

...all that being said, every once in a while I like blackforest ham and cheese on a sandwhich. If you have a problem with that... ....well, if I'm in a mood like today I would suggest leaving me alone, frankly.

....right, so no yoga this morning...and not enough sleep last night.
memo to me: not yet enlightened. do more yoga.

Fall, and midterms, and music to my ears...

2005-10-11T19:42:00.000-04:00

Sooo...on the way to my midterm today I'm listening to some music, quietly to myself through my headphones, and just as I step into the building where I will be writing, a piano kicks in only in my left headphone...totally caught me off guard, and I swung my head to the left to hear where the music was coming from, before realizing that it matched the song I was listening to quite well. ...The two other guys in the foyer looked at me like I was purple. I burst out laughing and proceeded to my exam. Sometimes it's fun to be nuts...

Anyway, list of accomplishments for the day:
One database crisis averted (...and I didn't even kill a coworker)
One Irish predicament solved (...and I'm very proud of my brother)
One midterm completed (...and I'm very...relieved)

As for other news to report: the leaves have started falling...and Toronto is striking me as beautiful all over again (although it always seems that while I'm thinking that I walk by something really smelly). I love the fall. The temperature, the breezes, the leaves and the light rain....so wonderful. If only they didn't mean we were about to get snow dumped on us... hehe..ah well..

Deja vu...again..

2005-10-10T22:30:00.000-04:00

I have been having more frequent, and more intense deja vus lately than I can believe. Most of them are just tiny, but they are happening at least once (usually two or three times) a day.

A few have seemed so real, and been so long lasting (nearly a minute in some cases) that I haven't been able to walk away from them pretending to believe time works in the way we like to think.

If you haven't seen What the Bleep Do We Know? check it out for sure. It's very shoddily put together (as a film), but it is a fantastic compelation of leading scientific knowledge that points to our misconceptions about time and space.

...definately an area of thought I've been too busy to digress in too seriously lately...but fascinating, fascinating stuff.

On a related note:

Believe (partial lyrics) - John Butler Trio

There's no need to worry
Run around in your scurry
All you got to do is believe...
In the universe
Cos this man it always works

All you got to do is release...
All your expectations
In any situation
All you got to do is see...
That it's all taking place
In it's own grace
All you got to do is believe...

The evidence seemed to suggest that somewhere, beneath the dishes...there was in fact, a kitchen

2005-10-10T15:17:00.000-04:00

....just now the reports are coming in that the kitchen has been unharmed by the onslaught of dishes resulting from podj being left alone at the house. When the first bits of countertop were uncovered, a team of highly skilled archeologists were called in to excavate the site, and seem to have done a remarkable job...

So, it's thanksgiving...I stayed in town to prepare for midterms, while my roommate took advantage of the day off school to go home to visit her family in Arizona. If you knew how many glasses she and I owned, you would be shocked to discover that somehow, over the course of the 3 days she's been away, I managed to dirty every single one of them.

Basically, I think, the verdict is in. I am quite well-established, as a student who lives away from their parents' home...but I am light-years away from being able to live by myself. While I did get a great deal of studying done this weekend (more consecutive hours than I think I have ever accomplished before), I did it at the expense of any culturally acceptable kitchen habits, and broke most of my "I do not eat the following: " rules (with the exception of meat, but that's just because I don't like it anyway).

It's remarkable, because it's not like when Emily is home, she does all the cooking, and cleans up after me all the time. ...just, I guess, that when someone else is around I feel a little more motivated to do what I know I should. ....which could send me into a train of thought about the nature of society as a way of keeping ourselves in balance, and its necessity for our survival...but really I have one more stats chapter to get through, and have to finish a program of the Hanoi tower tonight...so I should just get to that.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Tongue so sharp - the bubble burst

2005-10-07T17:45:00.000-04:00

The absentee Dad strikes again...

What is it about parents that can make you so completely raw? Throughout most of my life I am a relatively independant person (I even do my own laundry and grocery shopping ;)) , and for the most part, when it comes to my goals, or my beliefs, I know where I stand, and people are welcome to disagree with me as long as they don't expect me to care all that much...

But if my mom asks about whether I've been saving efficiently, or what my plans for 'such and such' are, I suddenly feel like an 11 year old. I melt immediately into a little kid offering up a (shaky) answer in desperate need of approval. More than once, even in the last year or so, my mother's been able to make me feel about an inch high, simply because she was too tired to be enthusiastic when we were talking about something.

...then there's my father. For someone who has had a minimal direct influence on my life, he has an amazing ability to reach inside of me and twist everything around. He's always seemed like this untouchable idea of a person, who I knew to be very intelligent, but who's opinions (at least about my life and choices) I never felt all that inclined to respect...and yet, when he would make judgement calls, or suggestions that deviated from my own plans, it always had the uncanny ability to feel like a kick in the gutt.

I had the amazing oppurtunity this summer to spend some real quality time with my dad. For the first time in my life it really felt like I was starting to get to know him. I think I even got into my head this magical idea that I had just never tried hard enough, and that now that I was willing to it would be fascinating to get to know him. Somehow in the midst of this I slowly started to forget all the little things that had happened over the years that had hurt my brother and I (you wouldn't guess that someone could hurt you only using a phone would you?). ...

...but all that just came back. Frightenly quickly too. The only differance this time, from the ones before, is that I was alot older. I used to just cry, and write. This time I stood up to him like I would to anyone else. ...but it amazed me...only parents or a lover could make me that raw...that angry.

One of the most intense growing pains is discovering that your parents are human. It's so much easier when they are the law, and you do (or do not do) as they tell you....when you start to realize that they are just as prone to being lost in the world as you are...well like I said: it's an intense growing pain.

The title?...well I think it sorta fits. ...but mostly I'm on a Beautiful South kick.
....check them out if you haven't. I'm particularly enjoying:
Let Love Speak Up Itself
A Little Time

little more Paulo Freire

2005-10-02T19:26:00.000-04:00

Something has just occured to me:
"Why the hell is the government even remotely involved in the education system?"

Education systems hold (and mold) citizens for between 14 and 18 years (allowing for 4 years of post-secondary). Clearly this is not something that should be affected by shortsighted politicians working only toward votes in the next election (a maximum of 4 years away in this country). Every time a new government comes in they mess around with a system that noone is happy with, shaking it at it's roots, leaving teachers, principles, and academics interested in educational change powerless to have any longterm say over the process.

Never has it been more blatent to me that we are living in a system designed to help us feed it, rather than to turn us into real people.

Obviously education is a public service, and the government's involvement is explained in this fact alone... ...but it certainly explains why the system continues to take children, quenching awe and wonder, stifling spiritual questioning and producing little minions capable of responding to strict schedules ('saved by the bell') and project deadlines...

If people passionate about true education ran the system, can you imagine what beautiful people it would produce? What natural talent would be cultivated in every student...what a powerful change that would have on the way we run our entire world. ..

....couldn't have that could we...

Narcolepsy (my own brand)

2005-10-02T18:18:00.000-04:00

I have a problem with sleep. Actually scratch that. I have a couple problems with life that seem to get exacerbated by my propensity to sleep.

On 3 out of 5 days in the week, the idea of doing just about anything, makes me want to go to bed.
Fear of bliss and fear of joyitude
Fear of bigness (and ensuing solitude)
This talk of liberation makes me want to go lie down
Under the covers 'til the terror of the unknown is gone
--alanis

This afternoon, I was thinking about starting a load of laundry, when I lay down on my bed. I closed my eyes, and my body froze. I wasn’t tired, in fact I had lots of energy, but my body refused to move. It’s kind of funny, because my body wasn’t even insisting that I fall asleep, simply that I not move for an hour or two…but after a while my mind just gave up and decided the easiest thing to do was sign out for a while.

It’s now five o’clock, I’ve lost my entire afternoon, I have my slept-too-long-in-the-early-afternoon headache, and all I can think is “not again…”

Most undergraduate students that I know are running on huge sleep deficits, and doing quite fine, day-to-day, but here I am getting wayyy more than the recommended 7-8 hours per night…and I can’t for the life of me stay awake all day.

I’m delighted to report that I seem to have inherited this talent from my mother, who has spent the last 32 years of her life trying to figure out was wrong. She thinks it’s finally time for me to go see a doctor…hopefully they’ve figured out something new since she went last…

Narcolepsy- Ben Folds

I should warn you
I go to sleep
I know you don't
know what I mean
yet
I get
upset or happy
I go to sleep
nothing hurts when
I go to sleep
but
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired

I know it seems
that I don't care
but something in me
does, I swear
I don't remember
all last year
I left you awake
to cry the tears
while I was dreaming in streams
flowing between the shores of joy and sadness
I'm drowning
save me
wake me up

I should warn you
I go to sleep
you won't know when
I go to sleep 'cause

I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired

I just sleep

Mysore Ashtanga Yoga

2005-09-29T21:42:00.000-04:00

I walked into the Shala this morning exhausted. I had been up too late, and it had poured rain all through the early hours of the morning, waking me up over and over again. My teacher looked at me warmly (like she always does) and asked how I was feeling. I admitted I was tired and she, with earnest empathy, said something to the effect of, "Yea...rainy days will do that to you." She leaned in then and said "You know what though? I find this is my sunshine. Once I've done my practice nothing can hold me back".

My teachers (see the 'bios' section on the site) are unbelievable. I had read religious texts and books on philosophy as long as I could remember, and filled journals with what I thought it meant to be a living piece of God, and how to live consciously and with peace of mind...but I'd never been able to slow my own mind down enough to take any of what I'd read or written and put it into action.

I tried meditation and yoga in a few different contexts, thinking it would be a good route to take...without anything ever sticking. This Shala that they have built, though, is incredable...and after only a few months it has had profound effects, not only on how my body looks and feels, but on how I feel in relation to the world, and situations I find myself in. My ability to focus has increased 10-fold, and I'm finally finding that the things I think about the world around me are growing near to the philosophies I've always held to be true.

My teachers guide us through Ashtanga Yoga in the traditional Mysore fashion. Each of us is on our own learning curve, working gradually through the routine, achieving new poses at seperate paces. We practice everyday, all-together, with our teachers walking around us helping us individually, rather than leading us in-sync.

These days (at least where I live) there are more styles of yoga being taught in more ways than you could hope to count. ...and each one has its own benefits. For me though, I've gotta say: the support of daily practice combined with the empowerment of having "your own" practice inherant in the Mysore style is something I really love. If you're interested in yoga, and have tried out a few differant styles but not found something that fits yet, I definately recommend checking it out.

Ashtanga Yoga Shala (Toronto)
Ashtanga Yoga Research Institute (Mysore, India)

...some additions to a previous post

2005-09-27T21:58:00.000-04:00

I was accused of cop-ing out on my last entry on love. ...and I know I did, but only because there were too many bloody angles to come from.

The one I've been thinking about these last couple of days is this:
Which should take precedence, hopes and dreams of our own, or the love we end up having for someone else? How much compromise (of your plans.. or even yourself) is implicit in the very act of being in a relationship with someone else?

I can't wait to be a engaged in the world of academia. I have a number of ideas about cognitive science, religion, and education that I can't wait to flesh out. I like to fantasize about traveling the world, learning languages and meeting fascinating people from whom to learn and write more.
This is my personal dream; and thinking about it makes me want to dance as I walk to class(even though I don't know how, and all the people on the street around me would point and laugh).

These hopes are so close to the core of who I am, and light me up so completely when I think about them, that it always amazes me how quickly I can forget about them. ...It's always a boy. He gets into my head, and before I know it, I've lost track of myself to follow him. I've been on both ends of the stick too...and sometimes it can be just as painful and frustrating to watch someone else losing track of themselves...

...But what is it that makes people do it? Does love get used as a crutch--a scapegoat from having to pursue (and potentially fail to reach) personal goals? ...or do people really just get distracted and forget?

...Or for those of us who tend resist the pull in the end: are we the ones missing the point? Is it that we are meant to give everything else up for that one person, and a life with them ...and we're just afraid of that leap?

I know I'm essentially cop-ing out again, but I'd like to think there's a middle ground. That both our own dreams, and the potential for love are found equally deep in the core of who we are. I think at this stage I'm still clinging to the idea that I'll come across someone with whom I can go through life, without either of us having to give up the thing that makes us want to dance in the street.

The Pedagogy of the Oppressed. Ch. 1

2005-09-25T12:31:00.000-04:00

Some thoughts from Paulo Freire on sectarianism vs. radicalization, and on the challenges the world proposes to those among us who hope to be radical...

"Sectarianism, fed by fanaticsm, is always castrating. Radicalization, nourished by a critical spirit, is always creative. Sectarianism mythicizes and thereby alienates; radicalization criticizes and thereby liberates."

"The sectarian...blinded by irrationality does not (or cannot) perceive the dynamic of reality...[they consider] the future pre-established--a kind of inevitable fate, fortune or destiny. Starting from their false views of history they develop forms of action that negate freedom.
They suffer from an absence of doubt."

"To admit of dehumanization as an historical vocation would lead either to cynicism or total despair. The struggle for humanization, for the emancipation of labour, for the overcoming of alientation, for the affirmation of men and women as persons would be meaningless. This struggle is possible only because dehumanization, although a concrete historical fact, is not a given destiny..."

"World and human beings do not exist apart from each other, they exist in constant interaction... If humankind produce social reality (which in the "inversion of the praxis" turns back upon them and conditions them), then transforming that reality is an historical task, a task for humanity. .. "

"The more the people unveil the challenging reality which is to be the object of their transforming action, the more critically they enter that reality. In this way they are 'conciously activating the subsequent development of their experiences.' There would be no human action if there were no objective reality, no world to be the 'not I' of the person and to challenge them; just as there would be no human action if humankind were not a 'project,' if he or she were not able to transcend himself or herself, if one were not able to perceive reality and understand it in order to transform it."

**The present-day western world was founded on ideals of freedom, but many today are confusing "freedom with the maintenance of the status quo". Paulo Friere wrote about education as a tool for liberation, specifically to those in his own country of Brazil, and other South American countries. He challenged the oppressed to rise up, and acknowledge their own humanity, as well as the humanity of their oppressors. Although his works are deeply rooted in a particular historical context, they are relevant all around the world, where leaders construct societies in which citizens are encouraged to succumb to the "logic of the system".

Writing from a painfully clean house...

2005-09-24T17:41:00.000-04:00

Only when engrossed in a stats textbook does scrubbing one's bathtub seem like the most exciting thing in the world.

When I woke up this morning I intended on getting all sort of readings done for next week's classes. My list of accomplished tasks, however, looks more like this:
-cleaned room
-did 4 loads of laundry (yes I know I have too many clothes)
-did dishes
-swept kitchen
-cleaned bathroom
-solidified dates with my brother for our upcoming trip to Ireland

It's now almost 6pm, I have just about finished a blog entry, am about to make dinner for my roommate and I, and then head to the climbing gym for endless hours of tendonitis-inducing bouldering and routes.

For someone who loves school, my ability to avoid school work amazes me...ah well it's only Saturday, I still have one day of weekend left.

While on the topic of school (and on a more positive note), I started volunteering for Discovery Private School on Friday. I had the most amaaaazing time working with the children, and can't wait until next week. If you know me, you probably know I feel very passionately about the way we educate our children, and do not agree with how the public school system in Canada works. I don't, by any means, think that the people running DPS have built a perfect school, ...but they are doing an amazing job at building a practical, successful school, with empowered children. ....I'm very proud to be a part of it.

Ridiculous online posts from the beginning of the new millenium

2005-09-20T12:21:00.000-04:00

I was reminded last night, of a paranormal claim I like to pretend I've never heard of.

In November of 2004 (recently following the election), George Bush came Ottawa to speak with our esteemed Prime Minister about a number of issues, most specifically: space defence. I was pretty sure it was part of my duty as a University student to attend at least one protest, and I figured the one protesting Bush's presence in my country was as good a one as any. So I loaded on a bus with a bunch of other UofT students and headed up to the nation's capital to be a tiny little voice among the thousands that would be ignored by nearly all broadcasts that reported on Bush's visit.

...anyway, that's not really the point of the story. On the way back to Toronto, I was talking to a friend's roommate about America as a whole, and he was telling me about this guy, John Titor who showed up online in 2000 predicting the end of Western Civilization (and the world for that matter) as we know it by between 2008 and 2015. He claimed (this is where it gets good ;)) to be a time traveller from the year 2036, and reported that the election in 2004 would be followed by steadily increasing civil unrest. America was to gradually turn into a police state, and as people became aware of their decreasing civil rights a civil war was to begin by 2005, with everyone in the West knowing by 2008 that America would never return to how it had been.

I'm embarrassed to admit that having read a bit about all of this, I'm actually sitting on the fence. Rationally, the whole thing is ridiculous, of course. The part that gets me though is this: Imagine it's 2000 and you read some guy's online posts claiming that there will be civil war in America by 2005. Ridiculous, no? I mean, America a police state? ...preposterous. But by the time I heard about it in 2004--the whole thing didn't seem that unbelievable anymore. The series of events during Bush's first term in office, with the war on terror, and the Patriot act were certainly headed away from civil rights, and toward a police state at a frightening rate.

Anyway, last night, I was watching the Daily Show, and the focus was on the current state of things in New Orleans. My friend Mike (who'd also been told about John Titor at some stage--and with whom I'd talked about it some months before) said with a laugh, "Well it's almost the end of 2005, I guess we'll find out soon enough whether there was any truth to what that Titor guy was saying..." ...and as both of us turned back to the show we realized that the city of New Orleans is basically in lockdown, with more automatic weapons out on the street than in a couple occupied nations right now, and with media not allowed to take pictures or turn on cameras in many of the key areas. Between that and the wonderful developments with the surpreme court....well, at the end of the day, you can only laugh...but how shocking would it really be if some serious civil unrest began in America by the end of the year? ...(wouldn't surprise me in the slightest...)

Bringing 'Make Poverty History' home...

2005-09-19T22:48:00.000-04:00

There is a homeless man who walks up and down my street every single day. He caught my eye a few months ago, and since then I see him most mornings on my way home from yoga, and usually a few more times throughout the day. This morning I noticed a scab on his forehead, and it reminded me of the terrible sunburn he had in August.

Toronto had an unbearable (record-breaking) summer. I could barely handle it and I live in a house with airconditioning. I remember in May when he stopped wearing his coat...but I don't know how he managed his daily routine in mid-July during the peak of the heat.

A girl I work with knows him. She volunteeres at a soup kitchen up at bloor and avenue. She knows most of the homeless people we walk by, actually. Often she remembers their names, greets them, and tells me their stories as we walk away.

I live less than a block North of the Scott Mission, one of the relief centres in the city, and I walk by it every day on my way to work. I haven't worked up the courage to go in and volunteer yet, though. I'm very embarrassed about that.

I wear a 'make poverty history' pin on my backpack, and one of the white bands most days I'm on campus. I volunteer for Oxfam, and am the first to talk about the economic injustice imposed on developing countries (by mal-developed ones). Poverty and hunger are really easy issues to talk about fixing when they're not on your doorstep...but why do we do so little for the people that are hungry and in need right in front of us?

Where I grew up there weren't any homeless people. In the next city over there were two, and everyone knew their names. People coming from where I do tend to have the most arrogant view toward the homeless. We like to think they are in their situation because they made poorer choices than we did, and that there are lots of oppurtunites for them to better their lives if they 'weren't so lazy'. When people from where I live come to the city they can be downright mean to homeless people.

I can't decide if that hurts more or less than the apathy of the city people. Once you've lived in Toronto for a while you just stop looking. You perfect the delivery of a quick, curt "sorry I don't have any cash" without even having to look up (I find it really hard to look people that helpless and hungry in the eye, knowing that there's nothing I can do for them.....and yet how can you deny someone the humanity of looking them in the eye?).

I don't know how to fix the problem of homelessness, but I know that in a country like Canada we have the resources to do it. Cathy Crowe is one woman who does seem to have some good ideas, and her speech to the Princess Margaret Hospital last Febuary, outlines, in much more detail than I could presume to, the level of the problem that we're dealing with.

We're talking about disease, starvation, suicide, murder....4 deaths every month (more in the winter months)...on the streets of Toronto.

That girl I work with... she hands out sealed water bottles to people from her car when she's driving by. She does it with a smile and says "...I dunno, but I like to think every little bit helps." And the thing is that she's right. ...it does. If we all did that...if we all cared a little bit...knew the names of some of the people...saw the name of someone we'd met written at the Church by the Eaton Centre, and knew they had died in a winter cold snap...it would change...

Love (more or less)

2005-09-15T22:55:00.000-04:00

In the prologue to his book 'The Alchemist" Paul Coelho adapts the myth of Narcissus and adds an interesting twist. The story of Narcissus, is that of a youth who went and knelt daily by the lake to bask in his own beauty. One morning, transfixed by his reflection, he fell into the lake and drowned; and there a flower grew which was called the narcissus. Coelho adds to this story, by having a godess come down to the lake, to find it weeping. Upon asking why, it told her it wept for Narcissus. The goddess assumed the lake wept for the lost beauty of the youth...but the lake was shocked to hear that Narcissus was beautiful.
"Who better than you to know that?" the goddess said in wonder. "After all, it was by your banks that he knelt each day to contemplate himself!"
The lake was silent for a while, and said,
"I weep for Narcissus, not because he was beautiful. I weep because each time he knelt beside my banks, I could see, in the depths of his eyes, my own beauty reflected."

Love is a very interesting thing, and difficult to define or explain. In english, it's made even more difficult by the fact that we have only one word, to talk about the love we have for family, friends and lovers.

I was asked this morning if I thought it was instinctual or learned, and I've spent alot of today thinking about that. I know from my studies, that babies have no concept of love. It is a long time before they can really conceive of other people as people with their own lives (rather than people there solely to care for them). Babies are really quite selfish and begin by learning that the people in their lives respond to their calls, and take care of them.

Yet the more I think about it, love stems from very instinctual processes (many things that are instinctual or genetic develop after birth...). We need people to care for us as young children (and we love those who do). We want to procreate (and we love the people with whom we can), we want our genes to continue (and we love our family members and children).

It sure takes some of the magic out of it to look at it that way, but it seems to be the case, that we have developed many differant kinds of love to help life continue as it's meant to. We don't love people. We love the idea of what they could do for us. How they could help us. How being with them would make us feel. ...and when we lose them we don't mourn the loss of them, but the view of ourselves we saw reflected in their eyes.

Dragged Kicking and Screaming

2005-09-15T12:49:00.000-04:00

A series of very traumatic things happened to me today:

1.) I was coerced into beginning a real-live blogger blog
2.) I attended a university-level class on how to put together lego robots and make them move around on desktops.
3.) It was explained to me that it was quite simple to forward emails from my utoronto email account into my gmail account, and that they could easily be filtered into their very own file.
4.) I went to work and got trained on video-editing, programming, and web design.

Some background may be necessary here: I am not a techy. ...and for all intents and purposes I would like to keep it that way.

It's not that I don't use, or haven't benefited from computers. I'll be the first to admit that I didn't make it through highschool during 1999-2003 without being a hardcore ICQ and msn addict. And having spent a year away on an exchange program I have certainly benefited from the ease and speed of email communication. Somehow though, I have repeatedly evaded chances to learn more about how computers work. On some very deep level I'm opposed to the whole thing.

When it comes to the blogs, and websites, I know I'm just being silly. I think, with time, I will learn to use, and enjoy all the wonderful things you can do with computers these days. ...it's the lego class that really gets to me...

We were playing with robots to introduce us all to the basic concepts of Artificial Intelligence because in Cognitive Science (my area of study) the leading school of thought propogates that A.I. is going to help us determine, once and for all, how the human mind works. The basic argument is that "we will create it, and then because we created it we will understand it". I've been doing my duty as a good little cog sci student. I took an introductory programming course, and now I'm doing all this A.I, but I have to admit: to me, the whole thing just seems preposterous.

It's not that I don't think we've begun creating machines to which 'thought' could be attributed. I'll even buy that we could some day succeed in creating machines conciously aware of their ability to think...what I don't understand is why on God's green earth we would want to do something like that before we've even figured out what our own conciousness means?

A sidestep into evolution might be helpful here:
Birds fly. Bees fly. Birds and bees do not fly in the same way.
I can see. The fly on my wall can see. The fly on my wall and I cannot see in the same way.
....with me? ...O.K. Our ability to think, is a fluke of evolution just like our ability to see. Over time, processes developed (sight, hearing, memory...etc), and we were left with amazing brains in our heads that eventually allowed us not only to navigate and survive in our environment, but to be aware of our own existance. Really it's a really fascinating, neat gift. ....And I definately beleive (especially given all the funding that goes into A.I.) that we will be able to create electronic beings capable of the same level of awareness...

....but that doesn't mean their awareness, even if it accomplished the same things, would actually be the same as ours...it could be as disimilar as how birds and bees fly...couldn't it?

Anyway, the head of the cog. sci. department at UofT promised me he could convince me that A.I. was worth studying if I gave him a chance ...so I'll stick it out through this course and see if anything comes of it.

Beginning to Blog (some reflections on Ireland, and 'culture' in North America)

2005-09-15T09:05:00.000-04:00

So my cousin Frank has suggested I begin blogging. It's something I'd planned on doing for a while, but never seemed to be able to start, mostly because I couldn't figure out what to write about. It's just been pointed out to me, however, that I can write about anything..so that's going to be the plan...

I've just returned home (to Toronto) after a three week vacation to visit family of mine in Ireland. On one hand I'm happy to be home. It feels great getting back into my yoga, climbing and academic routines. On the other hand, my travel bug has been reawakened (it got pretty exhausted after my year in Japan and nodded off there for a while) and I want out of here as soon as possible...(Why is it that some people seem to have such innate desires to travel the world, while others are perfectly content to spend their entire lives where they were born? ) so ...the new plan is graduate school in Ireland ASAP.

I can't seem to decide what it is about Ireland that attracts me so much. I'm beginning to think it's like an identity thing for me. Growing up the process of introducing myself went something like this:
"My name is Padraigin"
"Sorry...?"
"Padraigin"
"..."
"Pod-ra-geen"
"Oh!...How do you spell that?"
"p-a-d-r-a-i-g-i-n"
"Interesting. What background is that?"
...everytime.
I think if my name was Katie or Jenn it never would have come up, but as it was I was always reminded of my Irish background. ...reminded of it, but unaware of what it meant.

Anyway, for whatever reason, there is something about the country, and the lifestyle, that I love more than I can explain.

It seems to me, whenever I travel outside of North America, that we lack a very essential part of 'culture' here. It's like we're a fascinating introduction to any culture in the world, but if you want to experiance any one culture fully you've gotta look somewhere else.

I'm not one to advocate the preservation of cultures (I can't figure out, for example, why the people in Quebec talk about wanting to preserve their culture...they're no more French than the rest of the country is British English, Scottish or Irish at this point...?) because I beleive very strongly that cultures are meant to develop and change over time. But it does frighten me to think that in Canada and the US ancient cultures seem to have given way to a 'culture' of advertising, media and materialism. Cultures used to bring people together and help them enjoy life. Today our culture seems determined to isolate us, and leave us unaware of what it even means to enjoy life. The internet gives us the illusion of being closer to people without making us actually leave the solitude of our own computer; while our consumer culture tells us we only need more stuff to happy(something I think we're all rapidly determining is preposterous).

The reason I bring all this up also has to do with my vacation in Ireland. The country has changed so much in the two years since I was there last I couldn't beleive it. As a member of the EU, Ireland has received all sorts of funding for new highways and bypasses past all the tiny towns you used to pass through driving across the country. More incredably, as more money flows into the economy more and more North American style supermarkets, and neon lighted gas stations are going up. I know this phenomenon is taking place all over the world, so I'm certainly not pointing any fingers at the Emerald Isle...but it blows my mind...and I'm left with two questions:

1. When did the North American culture take such a bizarre turn for the useless?
2. Why does the rest of the world seem so eager to follow us?

The good news, I guess, is that all around the world oppositions to this useless consumerism seem to be sprouting up (my cousin recently introduced me to http://www.authenticbusiness.co.uk/ ..very interesting site). Maybe we're all waking up and there will finally be some changes. When the time comes, however, I hope I've already moved to Europe. At least there the ties to how life used to be are still strong...I don't even think those of us in North America have any idea how else we could live...